Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
You Might Also Like
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.