Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
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“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse