Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.