If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
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“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
S O O N
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time