I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”