I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
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this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
2022: I can fix it
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol