Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?