a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
White Castle for the Win