Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
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lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
What the dentist sees
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.