ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.