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Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.