My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not