Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
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Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.