I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.