It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”