*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song