me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Dead sexy!!
584.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does