A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
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Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T