Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
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I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I already tried new things thanks.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness