People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.