it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
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“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Still cracks me up
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
every college guy’s fridge
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.