Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.