If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
You Might Also Like
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
the three branches of government
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.