Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
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The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I鈥檓 like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
CONTRACTOR: it鈥檚 a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle鈥檚 ruined boys we鈥檙e moving!
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what鈥檚 a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 馃憖
Can鈥檛 stop laughing.. 馃槀
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
set yourself free xox
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Van Gone
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that鈥檚 about it
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.