If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
can you read it!!??
maan!
Watson was Holmes schooled
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
When I snag the last meatball.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Florida be like…
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.