Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.