When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.