Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me