*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.