If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.