Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes