“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
You Might Also Like
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”