[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…