Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
You Might Also Like
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.