I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
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Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.