In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.