My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
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THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.