If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
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Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
The honesty is refreshing
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins