Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
bro what is going on at twitter
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Don’t forget to tip your server
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes