My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
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Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Webb. James Webb.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.