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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Chicken bread