If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
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flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
From my Mom
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?