I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
*jazz hands*
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.