Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
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If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.