cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Easy enough.