I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I have so many questions.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”