Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
You Might Also Like
How about daylight saves us for once
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
so much to do
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.