I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
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Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.