“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.