{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Feel. He’s so soft.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area